After much discussion on the ‘best of’ recently, this week has made the Ultimate Gamer look to the dark side. Yes, it’s with a perverse, sadomasochistic pleasure that we fondly remember the most facepalming, nerdrage-inducing game characters.
10. Baby Mario (Yoshi’s Island)
Never before has there been such an urge to smack a baby in the mouth. You only have to look at an image of this little squirt version of everyone’s favorite plumber to start your blood boiling. Screaming babies are not welcome while you’re queuing for tickets in the cinema, and they’re sure as hell not welcome in video games.
9. Navi (Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)
A thoroughly obnoxious, know-it-all of a pixie buzzing around Link’s ears in an otherwise incredible game. Galloping across those sun soaked planes of Hyrule with been a whole lot more enjoyable without this obnoxious little smartass.
8. Tingle (Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask)
Tingle, my green-pantalooned map making little friend, I swear to God if you say “Kooloo-Limpah” just one more time… Okay so Zelda games may well be some of the best ever made, but it’s difficult not to get rubbed up the wrong way if you’re over 9 years old. We just wish Nintendo would recognize that sometimes. Tingle; you’re on the list.
7. The Dog (Duck Hunt)
Why you little… WTF was he laughing at anyway? Isn’t he supposed to be man’s best friend or something? He doesn’t even have the necessary digit dexterity to so much as pull the trigger, let alone shoot those flying bastards out of the sky himself. Nintendo should have let us shoot him instead of the ducks.
6. Slippy Toad (Star Fox 64)
Wait, what? A toad? Seriously. A fox, we get. Okay so the chicken, Cockrell-guy may be a weird choice but he looked kind of badass and he’s a falcon, anyway. A hare? Well, again perhaps slightly odd, but he had the whole Lando Calrissian thing going on. Slippy toad? No. And he can STFU with his annoying voice and useless advice. He’s on the list.
5. Belethor (The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim)
Even the name ‘Belethor’ deserves to get this guy a few rounds of payback with Akuma, though unfortunately he’s too annoying to appear as a cameo in Street Fighter (as therapeutic as that would be). This obnoxious shopkeeper can stick his crappy prices in the same location his arrogant head appears to be stuck.
4. Bald Bull (Punch Out!)
Too many gamers were denied the end content of the original Punch Out! on the NES by this turtle waxing and boxer. His charging attack was one of those nigh-on impossible to avoid examples of a poorly implemented difficulty curve often seen way back when. Revenge is sweet. He’s on the list.
3. The “Creepers” (Minecraft)
Look, we love Minecraft too and, sure, creepers are a staple, but they have to go in the list. Anyone who’s spent endless hours lovingly putting together a creation of beauty and ingenuity only to have one of these walking green phalluses jump out behind them and wreck all that hard work will understand.
2. Ashley Graham (Resident Evil 4)
Stop whining Ashley, for the love of…!!! Yes, Ms. Graham cries more than an 8-year old getting his butt whooped in Dota 2. Geeeeezus. What the scriptwriters were thinking when they figured we wanted a royal pain in the opposable digits following us around the entire game while trying to enjoy zombie terror action will remain one of gaming’s great mysteries.
1. Natalya (GoldenEye 007)
Look Mr Bond, we respect you and all, and we certainly want you to get the girl at the end, but surely no girl is worth this? She’s as much of a magnet to bullet as you are to girls! Everyone hated the nightmare of guiding her though the prison…The only ‘escort’ mission this one is worth isn’t the kind where you’re tasked with taking her to safety through a gunfight. We’re sorry 007, but Natalya’s number 1.
Did we miss anyone? Do you have a better list or a character to add? Let us know in the comments below!